Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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