I think I died a long time ago.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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