I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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