the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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