I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
