You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
