If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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