The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
