I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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