Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
where am i from again
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
