I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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