Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
