I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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