so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
