stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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