I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
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