Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
