the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
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