Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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