guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
