I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
