I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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