Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
