If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
