watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
