my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
