dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
