There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
