someone threw a dead crab at me
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
