i'm signing you up for texting rehab
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
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