Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
