My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Randomize
