Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
