full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
