you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
