I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
