Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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