highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
