The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
