Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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