if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
