I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
