While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
