nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
