i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
