oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
