He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
4 words: hood of his car
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
