Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
