Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
