the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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