Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
